We’ve all been on the painful end of a conversation. Whether it’s the guy who drones on about a topic you don’t give 2 figs about, or the rambling storyteller who never even gets close to having a point, or the monosyllabic responder with her “Yes.”, “Yes.”, “No.” that forces you into the role of a journalist – few things are more common than an uncomfortable conversation.

As a professional public speaker, I pay an obsessive amount of attention to people’s speaking habits (both formal and informal). What I’ve discovered is that while people are clearly aware of times they are stuck talking to a painful conversationalist, these same people are oblivious when they are the ones inducing pain.

Fact is, we are all terrible conversationalists at some points, but Notebooking can help make those times few and far between. How? Here’s 4 ways:

1) Notebooking makes you a better listener

Want to know a secret? The best conversationalists spend the least amount of time actually talking¹. Most people spend a lot of their “listening time” in a conversation thinking about what they’ll say next. So truly listening has become a lost art. But as you begin Notebooking your conversations and encounters, you’re going to want to have something to write on the page. This means you’ll ask more questions, better questions, and followup questions. Good conversationalists ask good questions. And if you’re going to Notebook about this later, you’ll be forced to come up with lots of good questions.

2) Notebooking makes you focus on often-overlooked details

The more you Notebook, the more you realize how important those seemingly trivial details are. It’s the details that will make your narratives come alive. It’s choosing 1 word over another that will transform the mundane sentence into a passionate plea. It’s when we record the details of an experience that we can re-tell it well. So as we Notebook, we train ourselves to focus in on the details. Details are huge in being an apt conversationalist. When we’re listening, that focus on the details will show that you’re truly interested and supply you with a million good questions. When we’re talking, it’s the details that will transform your story from ‘just another narcissistic rant’ into a ‘hilarious rendering of a unique story’. Which of these descriptions do you want to be known for?

3) Notebooking helps us to be better storytellers

Of course, you can have so many details that you lose any semblance of a plot. Or you can take so many tangents that a storyline disappears. Knowing what to include, what to dismiss, when to be serious, and when to be flippant is an art form that few have mastered. But every time you write down a story in your Notebook, every time you record a trip or event or even a silly annoyance, you are practicing that art. The more you Notebook, the more refined your sense of storytelling will become. After you’ve Notebooked a hundred stories (with time to think about flow, emphasis, and whatever else you want to include), it will become natural to edit yourself in a way that brings out the best and minimizes unhelpful deviations.²

4) Notebooking will give you an arsenal of well-developed stories and ideas

Okay, so you can’t think quickly on your feet? Not a problem for the Notebooker. You’ve already recorded your best stories, captured your most profound thoughts, and made some funny content, to boot. There’s no need to reinvent the wheel. Just recount the best of the stuff you’ve already Notebooked, and you’ll be far more interesting than the next person.

Having a conversation is easy. Having a great conversation is hard. But Notebooking helps you to have great conversations, and people love great conversationalists!

1. While you don’t want to turn your conversational partner into a journalist with your own monosyllabic responses, people LOVE to talk about their own interests, thoughts, and lives. If the bulk of a conversation is them waxing on about what they’re interested in, they will find you incredibly interesting, even if you say nothing at all.
2. Most people fall into 1 of 2 categories. Either they minimize everything due to shyness, so you only get the most basic details until they feel comfortable – then they blurt out anything and everything that is even halfway relevant. Or they maximize everything so that the words ‘best’, ‘greatest’, ‘most awesomesupertacular’ lose all meaning. Learning to minimize some points and maximize other points keeps the listener on their toes. Want to see this done well? Mark Twain was the master of this skill.